Don't.

If you've ever compared your inside life to others "glamorous" outside life then listen here, my friend.

Don't.

<<<<<<>>>>>>
I've had several people comment about my glamorous move to a paradise island. 

Everything seems dreamy when you're looking from the outside or focusing on the hardships you're facing in your own life. Anything else looks better than facing your own life.

Here's what I want to say to you friend who is envious of my life.

>>> I'm still living real life <<<

I would rather live inland so I can meet friends who aren't tourists here today, gone tomorrow.

I'm still wiping boogers, grocery shopping, correcting toddlers when they're whiny, tuning out an infant who screams every time we're in the car otherwise I would get in an accident, I'm still a mom, cooking dinner with 'hangry' children, giving baths, chasing my 3 yo at 10pm because he doesn't want to go to bed, facing each day alone while my husband goes to work, I still have to love my husband unconditionally while we get things lined up to move into our house and if you've ever gone through that you know it can be very stressful on a marriage. 

You want to know my truth? Here it is. It's not glamorous. I cry every single day because it's so beyond lonely and feels like when you move everyone has forgotten about you and you're just isolated on a island with 3 toddlers staring at you every morning ready to go play and all you want to do is gasp for air but you drink your coffee, say a prayer and ask for strength to face the day and to find a way to thrive so your kids can have happy memories of this time.

<<<>>>

The "glamorous" life isn't reality. It doesn't exist. Nobody has a glamorous life. 

<<<>>>

I have to choose to find the joy in my day too.

I have to find contentment in all things too.

I have to pray for a better attitude of gratefulness too.

{ Even if island life seems glamorous, it's just a different way of living }

When I was engaged to my soon to be husband, someone told me "Fighting isn't going to just magically go away, but is he the man you want to fight with for the rest of your life?" Life isn't going to magically become glamorous because you move to an island so where do you want to live your imperfect life? We asked ourselves do we want to live it in a state of endless winters or a state of year-round sunshine? 

<<<>>>

We all make choices of HOW we want to live, who we want to marry and we make those choices every day. I have to choose daily to rely on Jesus for strength. I have to choose daily to grow in becoming a great mom, I have to choose daily to love my husband and living in cold Minnesota or on a warm Island doesn't change those choices.

<<<>>>

Comparison is the thief of Joy.

So go live your own life and start loving it. 

Embrace the struggle and make the choices.

Me, I'm not going to magically stop crying everyday. I'm just walking through a difficult season, that's just a fact, and those tears and prayers are getting me through. I know it's temporary but isn't that the point? Some seasons wear us out and completely toss us around but if we can keep clinging to Jesus through it that's what matters.

<<<>>>

Look it's a new day.
The sun is rising again.
<<>>

<<<>>>
Zane sees the moon disappearing.
<<<>>>

Capture a Dream.

I dream of seeing the full glory of God's greatness.

In recent news, there was a shooting at a gay nightclub. It's deeply heartbreaking news, but the bigger tragedy is the shootings that happen everyday all around the world, the pain and suffering that is going on that isn't shared in the news. 

About 4 months ago, I was woken up by a very intense, vivid dream. I was jolted and shook up by it for weeks after. The dream was millions of drone looking people, people numbly walking along like mindless robots. I saw pastors at the front of the crowd leading the way and I could see a cliff just yards ahead. I had this strong, scary sense that The Church is on the verge of self-destruction if it doesn't stop going in their drone direction.

I haven't really shared this dream with anyone but it still haunts me.
<<<<>>>>
The truth is God is Great. God created a beautiful, colorful world and when we look into the eyes of those suffering, listen to the news in the media, and truly take the time to notice the needs around us, we are actually feeling God's heart for people and His heart for this world.
The facts are pretty raw and scary, we could easily focus on the fear, but God sent Jesus to overcome this world and give us a hope for the future.

God loves us so much that He didn't speak us into being, He gently, lovingly formed us in our mother's womb. He gave us gifts and dreams and knit us together to be brilliant in our own unique ways. The sad reality is our world is broken and full of chaos and sinfulness. BUT that's why God sent Jesus, that's why God intended for the Church to gather together because the Church is a beautiful, strong force together when we're all using our gifts and capturing our dreams. 

I have vivid dreams in the night sometimes yes, but I'm also full of dreams for my life, dreams that God gave me to capture and fulfill. 
I dream of seeing the fullness of God's greatness through the Church coming together in true community, coming together in prayer, coming together to be radical in their love and compassion. It breaks my heart when I think of that vivid dream that jolted me awake. God desperately wants people to wake up to the wonderful truth of His greatness.

I've seen several church during my years living in MN and you're right, the Church is also broken. Outsiders have no interest in attending, it has a bad reputation; believers are bored and lukewarm, we've put God in a box. I have family members searching for a church that is passionate and alive, I have friends ripping apart the church because it's dull and boring. I see why you wouldn't want anything to do with the church. I've been tempted to leave the Church hundreds of times over the years. Friends, don't let tragedies like shootings in the media steer you away from the Church, don't be discouraged that Christians seem to be dull, boring and judgmental.  
As a whole, yes the Church in this country is a sad representation of the true Greatness of God, I know that, I'm not blind, but the truth is there is NOTHING dull, boring or judgmental about God.
<<<<>>>>
I have personally witnessed awesome, glorious glimpses of God's great power. I've personally seen miracles and the power of prayer in community. I've seen family members overcome pain, I've seen friends freed from addictions, I've seen marriages restored, I've seen people crying out to God for mercy and help in their greatest time of need. We haven't even scratched the surface of God's great plan for our lives. 

He longs for us to repent and turn to Him. He longs for us to trust Him with our lives. He longs for us to accept the dreams He gives so we can capture them and let others around us see His beauty and greatness. 
<<<<>>>>
I was reading "Longing for Paris" a few days ago and she says, "When God wove us together as human beings, I believe He used lots of color! God made the world around us vibrant, so why would He stop with us? We are all full of vibrancy that God planted into our souls and it is that color that makes us want to be more than gray. It's what makes us want to do more in life than just live. God's very glory and beauty is enwrapped in us so that we would reflect His glory in living bright and full lives for Him" and then she goes on to quote Joel N. Clark from Awake, "....When we sleep to the dreams inside our hearts, the message of love will becoming nothing more than a nice idea. Yet when we awaken to the dreams God has placed inside us, our very lives become the beauty, magic and wonder that the world needs."  

>>>>>>The message of love becomes Nothing more than a nice idea<<<<<

I believe this is the sad truth we all need to wake up to.
We can so easily listen to the tragedy in the news one day and be back to our routine the next. We can so easily grow lukewarm sitting in church. We can so easily become numb to our need for a Savior. We can so easily lose sight of the power and presence of Jesus Christ. Before we know it, we're dull, boring and judgmental with no vibrancy, no brilliant color, no passion, no power, no love, no dream, no vision and it all becomes nothing more than a nice idea.

"Where there is no vision, the people perish" 
Proverbs 29:18

We need Jesus, we need to capture the dreams inside of us, we need to wake up to God's greatness. We need the Holy Spirit to renew us and revive us. We need to get back to the WORD of God. That's it. No other author or book should ever overshadow God's Word. This world is broken and we need to get back to God's true design for the Church, for community, for prayer and for reaching out in radically, passionately loving others.

I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father accept through Jesus.
John 14:6

Blooming in Knowledge of Truth

 Today's thought may be a little deep but it may also be the most valuable 5 minutes of your day because this thought is sitting on my heart too heavy not to share. 

The TRUTH whether we are too scared to face it or not, the truth is there are signs everywhere that Jesus is coming soon. Asher seems to pick the story of Noah every night and it's been pounded in my head. These last few days I've been putting myself in Noah's shoes and felt what he must've felt and how it must've been when everyone was laughing at him while he was building the ark. He was called all kinds of names, people were speaking against God, they thought he was crazy and wouldn't hear the truth but Noah didn't waver in his faith or doubt what he was asked to do. If you watch the kid version of the story, you see the faces of people change in an instant from laughing and making fun to complete terror. Noah was right. The truth was revealed. God's Word was fulfilled as Noah proclaimed over and over, but the people WOULDN'T LISTEN. 

I can't help but feel we are in that same time now.

Laws are being changed, Christians are being mocked and put on trial.

People aren't listening to TRUTH being told.

In my time of desiring another baby and waiting month after month, God is showing me the JOY in getting to know Him more. That's what He longs for us, to KNOW HIM. 

What God intends for GOOD, satan tries to destroy.  (John 10:10)

We may think God doesn't hear our prayer, He doesn't see our desire or care about our waiting. That couldn't be more of a lie.  He longs for us to seek truth and find Him.

Yesterday's devotional from She Reads Truth said, "When evil forces work hard to thwart God's purposes, we can be sure something significant is at stake. We know satan is at work to destroy all God's good purposes." We know the truth is Jesus is coming soon which means satan is harder at work than ever before to destroy all God's good purposes and twist all things good and confuse us the best he can. 

That's when we must turn our eyes to Jesus and PRAISE Him.

Be like Noah and not be wavered by what others are saying. We know the truth. 

If you don't know the truth, search for it, pray for it. God WANTS to reveal the truth to you. 

I know the truth and I have no fear of the days to come. 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25

 Watch this 2 minute Video 

Praying you find the truth today, dear friend and praying I continue to grow in knowledge of truth!!

"Wisdom is not knowing the answer, it is knowing the God who IS the answer!" Amen.

(She Reads Truth from today)

Beauty in Black.

It was so quiet, almost an eery quiet. God has been teaching me to slow down, to BE still, to be still and KNOW, to be still and know He is GOD. 

We were walking this morning and it was very dewey and so quiet. 

Today is the day I can see if I'm pregnant. 

I can release it and trust God is good no matter what. . .

or I can cling to it with white knuckles. 

And then I heard that still small voice say there's Beauty in Black.

I thought what does that mean? What in the world?!?

 

And then I remembered the scripture for today in Daniel. 

God's Timing is Perfect was the title. (of course it was!!)

We all have blackness in our hearts and God is quietly and kindly trying to shed light on those areas of blackness, and reveal the sin in our lives so He can bring good. He's desperately longing for us to repent and turn to Him. Just like in Daniel 9 God exiles the Israelites who have sinful hearts for the purpose of them realizing their sin and repenting, expressing their need for a Savior. In this case, Daniel is praying for the people. It's the same problem we face TODAY. We tend to get distracted and veer off into exile away from God, but He's waiting for us. 

The BEAUTY is in shedding light on the black. When we allow God to take over that area of our hearts, that area of our lives, we find His beautiful mercy, His beautiful forgiveness. Is there times of punishment? Yes. Or times of just waiting? Yes. Because God wants to continually grow us and mold us to become more like Him so we can share that mercy and forgiveness with those around us. He's continually developing our perseverance for the road ahead.

Look at the BLACK in your heart and repent, ask God to come in and take over so He can reveal the BEAUTY. 

I feel so blessed today no matter the outcome of the pregnancy test because I surrendered the black in my heart and repented of my sin today. It's a daily surrendering isn't it?

 

The Yellow Stroller

The search for a double stroller was on. I researched, I asked around and I ended up settling for a junky one off craigslist. Mamas, invest in a GOOD stroller from the start. I had to put up with this junky one all summer. So the search was back on.  I determined I was going to get a great one this time and ask other moms, research more and find one I loved that wasn't the crazy expensive Bob. 

I found one that was in great condition and.... it was YELLOW. Could this be?

I traded my happy yellow two-door beetle for kiddos so a yellow stroller with a mama coffee cup holder sounded like a dream come true. 

I woke up early today, got the boys fed, loaded them into the van and we drove an HOUR in the rain to pick up this bright, perfect, great bargain of a deal double stroller. Call me crazy, but I started having dreams of pushing my boys in a nice, smooth stroller instead of veering off the right all the time or trying to hold my coffee and push with my pinky. And you know what? We got to the lady's house, I went to the door with my cash and she up and decided it was NOT FOR SALE anymore. ...Really?!?

I had a few choice words with her then got in my car all steamed up and drove the hour back home with no yellow stroller.

I didn't know if I could be mad or cry or scream, none of it seemed like appropriate adult behavior over a dang stroller. 

So instead me and the boys stopped at Target to cool off and get a donut. Asher was happy as a clam. The infuriating morning didn't phase him and Zane sat there in the cart eating his cookie with his belly sticking out of his shirt. No big thing.

The lesson God was trying showing me....

Earlier this morning I heard that still small voice saying WAIT, don't go.

I took it as a voice of warning, don't go to that crazy craigslist person's house you'll get murdered but I went anyway praying for protection. 

The Holy Spirit speaks to us quietly in the silence of our hearts and apparently I'm being reminded and taught to LISTEN to His voice again in lots of areas of my life. 

WAIT on the LORD. 

I literally KEEP TRYING to do things in my own strength. 

I try to get pregnant.

I try to make Jamberry sales.

I try to find the perfect yellow stroller.

And sometimes the Holy Spirit just says WAIT, good things come to those who WAIT.

And yet waiting is the hardest thing to do.

I came home from the frustrating morning of two hours of wasted time and gas feeling guilty I dragged the boys all that way, and what did I do? I started the stroller search again instead of waiting. 

Petunia.

Pride comes before the fall. 

You don't want to read this. I know I don't want to hear it. The truth just sucks but it's still truth and people still search for truth. By no means do I think I'm right all the time but I do believe truth is in the Bible. A book that was written looong before I was a thought so who am I to think I can go changing what it says. We don't go changing the meaning of words in the Dictionary or rewrite any classic book. Have you ready Adventures of Huckleberry Finn or Pride and Prejudice or To Kill a Mockingbird or hey, what about Heidi? Do we just go change the story? 

So why do we think we can change the definition of marriage? 

Just because our choices are fun doesn't make them right. 

My pride was completely called out this week and I honestly don't know how to change. I almost don't want to change. My choices of how I spend my time during my boys' nap time probably disappoints God. He doesn't hate me but He does want to correct me. If I let Him. I nap or watch a show or three shows. I'm lazy and it has become a bad, daily habit. The problem isn't the show, it's the choosing to be selfish, it's the choosing to put the focus on ME and that's where PRIDE comes. 

It's no coincidence pride keeps coming up lately. Our world is increasing in pride. All the way to the White House declaring the most prideful decision, all the way to gay pride. Coincidence? I don't think so. There might just be a fall that follows soon here. When we puff our heads up and choose to continue increasing our pride we are literally spitting on the face of God. 

Do we really think He's just going to be ok with that? 

What did He do with people in the Bible who chose to do that?

God had a righteous anger to correct His people in a righteously loving way, sometimes destroying whole populations because they continued to spit in His face.

God is saying STOP in your tracks, humble yourself, and TURN to Him NOW..... THEN .....THEN He will show mercy and grace on us. He only punishes those who don't stop and turn. RECOGNIZE your pride and stop. I am preaching to myself here too but let's just let the TRUTH be told on this sadly historic day. 

 God has a funny way of reminding us and speaking to us and I truly believe He is trying to direct us because He loves us so much. I was reading this little wise book to my boys and I had to laugh out loud. It wasn't funny but it was funny. 

This sweet little duck Petunia thinks she can carry a book under her wing to make her wise and all her barnyard friends will ask her advice. Throughout the story her pride is puffed up, her neck is growing taller until the end she tells her friends to eat fireworks and there's an explosion. She sits down with bruises and a wounded ego and says, " Now I understand. It was not enough to carry wisdom under my wing. I must put it in my mind and in my heart. And to do that I must learn to read."

Don't you see? We have to go to God, we have to learn from Him and let it sink into our minds and hearts. "If you love learning, you love discipline that goes with it- how shortsighted to refuse correction!" Proverbs 12:1 

"..Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." James 4:7

Just because the voice is loud and pastors say your choice is ok doesn't mean God says it's ok. You can call it individuality, you can call it self-expression, you can say we all have a right to our choices, whatever it is you're choosing to do it doesn't matter- God's truths stand true yesterday, today and forever no matter how we bend the truth. And one day we WILL face Him and there will be no justifying our choices to Him. 

Now saying all that. I need help and guidance to draw nearer to Him and let His truths soak into my mind and heart. Sometimes I just sit on my back swing and stare into the sun asking Jesus to show me mercy. I need Him everyday.

Crickets

 

"C is for Cricket. The Cricket likes to hide under things. It makes noise by rubbing its wings together. Isn't it fun to listen to lots of Crickets at night?"

 I was reading The Icky Bug Alphabet book to my babe and I realized I don't sit and listen enough. It is fun to listen to the crickets and we need to slow down and listen. So I sat on my back porch after the boys were down for the night and I just listened to the crickets chirping and it was fun. I forgot how fun it is to be still without kids buzzing around. I think the assumption is that stay home moms of two boys are busy and chaotic but not true, at least for me. Sure my 2 yo is a busy bee all day long exploring and learning, but I have plenty of time to slow down. 

I just don't slow down and... listen.

When I do slow down it's to take a shower or eat lunch. I don't put God first. I don't put my focus on him. I put the focus on me and what I want to do and I'm learning how that's a form of PRIDE. When we are focused on ME that is pride. When we are drawing attention to ME that is pride. We crave compliments, we compare to others perfect lives, we force success or feel we aren't being productive. That's all a form of pride.
I think that's why it's such a struggle now in our world of tattoos and selfie sticks and media to not think about ME all the time. We want things for our pleasure and success, and forget our part in God's plan.We don't want to slow down and listen because that means we have to listen to God and He might tell us how prideful we're being with our kids or prideful with our husband or maybe we're just posting too many selfies, who knows. But I do know yelling at my sweet babe is not cool and it's pride that I need to confess and surrender. I know that my pride comes out in bad attitudes toward my ever patient, loving husband. I know my pride comes out in crazy negative self talk, sometimes even anxiety attacks. Maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about but you don't take the time to listen to the crickets and recognize your own pride.

This morning I was woken up by my two sweet faces staring me in the face. As much as I love their crazy morning hair and crumpled pjs and sleepy eyes, I knew it was going to be an interesting morning. My FIRST FOCUS wasn't on Jesus or slowing down to listen. My focus was on the boys, oatmeal, racing out the door by 8am and so I started the day with a short fuse. I didn't have a chance to rest in Jesus and ask for patience for the day. My 2yo was screaming and crabbing, and he wouldn't eat. I snapped. I grabbed his bowl and just threw it in the garbage. Where is this ANGER coming from I wondered all day? 

It's coming from pride. 

We all have a reason why we're prideful or fearful. We need to control something because we feel out of control in another area.  But I look at the Hibiscus that grows in our backyard and it dies every night. I pick off the dead parts every morning and they BLOOM again every day. Dying and blooming. Dying and blooming. Everyday. 

We are to die to ourselves, humble ourselves, recognize our pride and let God bloom us again.

Slow down. Sip your coffee. Listen to the birds in the morning or the crickets at night.

And then LISTEN to God speaking. HE does speak. I'm not here to draw attention to my flaws for sympathy or craving affirmation, I'm here to bring pride into the light and surrender wrong thinking so Jesus can help me overcome these areas. We ALLL struggle with pride in some form but rarely talk about dying to ourselves. 

Jesus came so that we may have LIFE and ENJOY life. God is in no hurry, He's not impatient, He enjoys His creation, He takes it in and basks in it, and He wants us to enjoy it too.  

What is your biggest fear that is coming out in the form of pride? 

Check back to chat about Insecurity

Sex Sex Sex.

We talked about God wanting us to find freedom to enjoy life.
Well what about God wanting us to be free to enjoy the pleasures of life and be free in marriage!?!

I'm sorry but the church is failing miserably in this one particular area and I'm so grateful to my brave, humble, wise, beautiful teacher Ruth for having the courage to share her passion for strengthening marriages in her class "Awaken Love". (contact info below)

It has changed my whole perspective and awakened my marriage. 

We talk about every naughty word under the sex umbrella and it.. is... amazing!! to talk about and say the words and so freeing. 
Sex, Sex, Sex there I said it. Now you say it. Isn't it so freeing and fun to let it out?

Masturbation, clitoris, G-spot, orgasm, penis, vagina, sex positions. 
Let me tell you. 
God designed all of these words to be used and experienced in the security of marriage and yet we blow off the topic. I was raised to believe sex is a gift, save it for marriage and then it will be great. We talked about it in one session during pre-marital counseling. After we got married it was like "Ok good luck figure it out. Have fun" with a smirk like they knew something we didn't and didn't want to share the secret. 

Would you go to the island of Kauai and paradise and say "Eh it's pretty"?
Would you eat the finest food, fresh and perfect straight from God's great earth and say "Ho hum it's ok"? 
Would you marry the man you prayed for and waited for for over a decade and say "Ohh Sex is fine"?
Wow my friend, ya know what I'm realizing? 

It is a SIN to NOT enjoy the pleasures that God created. 
We feel the breeze in our hair and take in that deep wonderful breath of fresh air.
We slowly indulge our taste buds with that rich moist chocolatey cake.
We let the Hawaiian waves permeate every fiber of our being.
We even savor that last sip of morning coffee.
And yet when we bring up Sex we say "Oh yea hum, oh yea that" and move on as if it's no big deal.

And yet it's God's greatest pleasure and gift.

Maybe you were deeply wounded by some sexual encounter, maybe molested or raped, maybe you believed awful lies from the media, friends or family, maybe you just feel ugly about yourself for some reason. You know my story, a coach molested me, I guarded sex and clung tight to it. I said No, No, No for all those dating years. I felt guilty whenever any line was crossed with boyfriends. I have my fair share of baggage but I. AM. BLOWN. AWAY. by the TRUTH of what I'm learning and what the Bible actually says. 

God created sex to be talked about, to be reveled in and enjoyed. 
He designed married couples to be FREE in their marriage bed. Have you read Song of Solomon lately? There's not much God says NOT to do. So why put rules on things where rules are not placed? 

The BEAUTY and LOVELINESS of a carefree woman is a woman who is free with her husband, openly and lovingly enjoys the pleasures of marriage and honors her husband. 
Naked and unashamed. Can you picture what that looks like for your own marriage?

My passion for strengthening my marriage is blossoming and helping wives find their freedom in marriage is ever-growing. 

What a beautiful complex exciting pleasure God created. 
Let's talk about it more and grow to have great marriages.

More of Ruth's class info or if you want to contact her.

Ruth's blog Building Intimate Marriages God's Way.
 

Bee Lovely.

..Bee Lovely..

I'm just going tell it real here. 
The spiritual world is very real.

What do you see when you look at me in pictures or read my blogs? I hope I never come across as fake or seem like I have it all together. No one does. Maybe some fake it better than others. 9 out of 10 days I really am content and trying to respond to life's struggles happily. Then there are those 1 out of 10 days that happen and when they do, satan has a crazy foothold on me. Call me crazy but it's very real and I'm not going to be ashamed to share because there is HOPE at the end of this story.

So this ugly day that happened, and ugly is the best word to describe it, I was awful. I was yelling at traffic, I was screaming at my husband, I had so much emotion flooding up in me I felt uncontrollable. I genuinely believed the lies that I wasn't good enough, I would never measure up, I was better off just disappearing and people in my life were better off not knowing me. It's a very real, very scary wave of emotions that takes over. I then find the need to "punish" myself. When I was younger it was cutting myself, now it's just curling up and sleeping. It's quite the pathetic, sad scene. All my husband knows to do is pray over me. I was shaking and crying and are you scared off yet?!? I know a lot of people have no idea why anyone would want to commit suicide and I'm not to that end; I believe I'll never do that, but God in His great mercy pulled me back from the edge of irrational and He will help me overcome these dark days.  But I share this because behind every "facebook moment" is a real story, real struggle, and sometimes real ugliness. But the HOPE is we don't have to do it alone and there is freedom.
He longs for me to be free in Him, free to enjoy the pleasures of life, free to love others.

We aren't meant to be trapped in sin and struggle. There is freedom in Christ. He already died on the cross so we could have it. We just have to pray for it and ask for it.

The HOPE in all this is God audibly spoke to me late one night. He said, "Heidi, Bee Lovely" and He even added the extra "e" for emphasis. BE Lovely.
Lovely
Being gentle
Being a blessing to others
Being an honorable wife
Being free in marriage
Being kind
Being peace
Being slow to speak
Being a mom who works hard
Being a woman who loves herself
Being in a rich, deep, purple relationship with God.
(1 Peter 3)

I truly believe God made me for a purpose. He made me to love my family. He made me to be a blessing. He made me to beeee lovely. And if He made me to be that then He made YOU to be that too.

BE BRAVE my Lovely friend and share your struggle with a girlfriend, ask for prayer, find the freedom you long to have and go BEE... Lovely!!!

Those who are wise-

the people of God-

shall shine as brightly as the sun's brilliance.

Daniel 12:3

Beautiful Potential

I had this {beautiful moment} while I was sitting in our bright, cheery blue room; the sun was shining in, the flowers all around felt very Springy, only thing missing was a perfect Spring breeze through the windows.

I was chatting with a lovely friend, drinking a cup of tea and I had a {moment}, a {glimpse} of a beautiful picture of what God intended for women. 

We were talking about our struggle with comparison. We were describing our deepest heart's desire to live in freedom of truly embracing the woman God made us to be. We were vulnerable to admit our exhaustion in comparing ourselves to other women. It's a really awful struggle for women. 

We {CAN'T} BE the beautiful woman we were made to be if we're putting all our energy into looking at other women. 

We {CAN'T} experience those beautiful moments with our girlfriends if we're using the word "busy" and "finding a date" to squeeze time in for a friend. 

{We} women are our own greatest enemy in discovering our potential and experiencing the beautiful potential God created us to become.

I felt {God's anger} for a brief moment. I felt {His pain} that we women are suppressing His great plan for us to be in relationship with each other by squelching those very opportunities with "being too busy". I will call it out and put it to you straight. It's sickening, it's heart-breaking, it's just plain sad. {God designed women} to do life together, to be vulnerable, to share our deepest heart's desires, to bring our struggles into the light. God {so deeply longs} for women to sit in a bright, cheery blue room drinking tea and talking about life. We {need} each other. We {need} to fight for good together. We {need} to grow in strength together and walk this journey together.

Am I perfect at this? No ma'am! But for a brief moment I felt God's pained heart and I experienced the beauty He desires for us and I want to fight for it.

 

Women everywhere, let's fight for our girlfriends. Let's fight the disease of being too busy. Let's open our schedules and make space for beauty to bloom. Be challenged. Be convicted. Be offended. I know I am. Who's with me?!?

Be Who God Made YOU to Be

I'm literally crying right now. This might be the most raw post I've ever written. Maybe I won't even post it. I'm just SO TIRED of this comparison game we women play, I play in my head. It's a beautiful snowy morning, the sun is just a gorgeous golden ray of light into my kitchen. I have my hot, steaming coffee, and the boys are are being so precious and adorable.  Why isn't that enough? Shouldn't it be enough?

Zane is in his swing, Asher is playing in my spice cabinet probably dumping all the bottles out, they're in their pjs and sucking on their binkies. ......why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel like a frump a lump stay at home mom? Shouldn't my beautiful babies be enough to put a smile on my face and feel confident? My dishes are piled up, Chuggington is playing on Netflix, my kitchen table is a disaster and all I can think is how I'm a failure. I can't keep up, I can't get my 1 year old to eat, I can't succeed, I can't make my husband happy. When will I be enough?  I had a fight with my husband last night because I don't feel significant by any measure. I compare to successful women, I compare to moms who do it all, I compare to great speakers who are eloquent, I compare to women who are beautiful and wonderful and I wonder when will I ever accept the woman God made me to be? 

Mama, I can tell you through my very real tears, that I know you're enough but I'm still trying to believe that for myself. I know it in my head. I have it written on my wall. I have it written a thousand times in my journal. God knit me in my mother's womb, he knew me before I was born, I prayed that kind of love over my babies and loved them so deeply before they were born and yet here I am disgusted with myself and the woman God made me to be. 

It's a sin. Comparison is a sin. Negative thinking is a sin. My broken record that plays on repeat is a sin. I need to forgive everyone who ever made me feel like I wasn't good enough. God made me to be enough. He made me to be uniquely me and I spit on that truth all the time. Accept I still don't know how to break free of that when I feel like I fail God everyday, disappoint my husband all the time and put myself in a box.

The problem with being in a box is there's no sunshine that comes in to let us bloom and grow. Do we have to choose to get out of the box? Yea I think so. Is it SO hard to choose that? You better believe it sister. 

So there you go Mama, a real raw glimpse into my weakest moments. I pray on this sunny, snowy morning that we women can start finding the COURAGE to love who God made us to be and loving ourselves in the midst of all our flaws. ....I have to go get my toddler out of the toilet....again!

Bravery: Jamberry

Hey my purple girlfriends!!

I just want to chime in and share a little story of bravery. 

 I was living at my in-law's for what was supposed to be two weeks and the opportunity to join Jamberry came my way. I thought it would be crazy of me to join right then with the big move and house closing but I was being challenged to be bold, to be brave, to embrace me a little bit more so I jumped in the fun.

I thought I would get trained in during those two weeks and launch once we were 
moved into our house.

That was over two months ago now and we're still waiting in limbo.

I want to be transparent about this season of struggle because I KNOW some of you ladies have gone through similar struggles of waiting but I also KNOW God really does have a plan through it that we can't see. He keeps asking me "Heidi, are you willing to TRUST 
me still and PRAISE me still?"

Jamberry may be silly to you but to me, it's been the thing that's made me brave. I am pushing myself and challenging myself a little more everyday. It took a lot of bravery for someone like me to even join something like this. Over these two months, I've been slowly realizing I NEVER want to settle for less than my best or God's best for me, I never want to become complacent.

I want to face FEAR straight in the face.

So what does that mean for me next? We have 3 directions we could go and I know one of them is not just scary, it's terrifying, but if I am going to be a brave woman and be a woman who isn't all talk then I guess that means I have to take the terrifying path ahead.

 

I can't share what that terrifying path is quite yet but I can tell you we are seeking God and his direction for our lives, and when we know what it is, it's going to be good because it's going to be God's best for us. We haven't had all these closed doors this year for nothing.

I may not know what tomorrow holds but at least I have pretty nails!! :)

 Jamberry Nail Wraps visit my site

What is the thing in your life you have to face bravely?