Be Who God Made YOU to Be

I'm literally crying right now. This might be the most raw post I've ever written. Maybe I won't even post it. I'm just SO TIRED of this comparison game we women play, I play in my head. It's a beautiful snowy morning, the sun is just a gorgeous golden ray of light into my kitchen. I have my hot, steaming coffee, and the boys are are being so precious and adorable.  Why isn't that enough? Shouldn't it be enough?

Zane is in his swing, Asher is playing in my spice cabinet probably dumping all the bottles out, they're in their pjs and sucking on their binkies. ......why isn't that enough for me? Why do I feel like a frump a lump stay at home mom? Shouldn't my beautiful babies be enough to put a smile on my face and feel confident? My dishes are piled up, Chuggington is playing on Netflix, my kitchen table is a disaster and all I can think is how I'm a failure. I can't keep up, I can't get my 1 year old to eat, I can't succeed, I can't make my husband happy. When will I be enough?  I had a fight with my husband last night because I don't feel significant by any measure. I compare to successful women, I compare to moms who do it all, I compare to great speakers who are eloquent, I compare to women who are beautiful and wonderful and I wonder when will I ever accept the woman God made me to be? 

Mama, I can tell you through my very real tears, that I know you're enough but I'm still trying to believe that for myself. I know it in my head. I have it written on my wall. I have it written a thousand times in my journal. God knit me in my mother's womb, he knew me before I was born, I prayed that kind of love over my babies and loved them so deeply before they were born and yet here I am disgusted with myself and the woman God made me to be. 

It's a sin. Comparison is a sin. Negative thinking is a sin. My broken record that plays on repeat is a sin. I need to forgive everyone who ever made me feel like I wasn't good enough. God made me to be enough. He made me to be uniquely me and I spit on that truth all the time. Accept I still don't know how to break free of that when I feel like I fail God everyday, disappoint my husband all the time and put myself in a box.

The problem with being in a box is there's no sunshine that comes in to let us bloom and grow. Do we have to choose to get out of the box? Yea I think so. Is it SO hard to choose that? You better believe it sister. 

So there you go Mama, a real raw glimpse into my weakest moments. I pray on this sunny, snowy morning that we women can start finding the COURAGE to love who God made us to be and loving ourselves in the midst of all our flaws. ....I have to go get my toddler out of the toilet....again!