Lemon Cupcake.

 

Pregnancy test. Not Pregnant.

My perspective has changed from night to day in 24 hours.

In the tidal wave of emotions I was angry. I was literally telling my husband (or screaming) that I was pissed off with God. I was completely whole-heartedly blaming God and then I was feeling all the guilt for feeling such hate and anger. It would just hit me at random moments and I would cry again. It's crazy the emotions experienced when the strong desire to be a mother hits again. I'm pretty sure I felt every emotion in 24 hours from excitement, to hoping for a positive test, to trying not to let my hopes get too high, to complete sadness, to anger and outrage, to more tears, to exhaustion from all the anticipation. And then my hubs said ONE COMMENT that pretty much lifted the blinds and let the sunlight in. He said, "Heidi HATE the sin, Don't hate God. It's not God's fault and He is not punishing you". 

God is NOT PUNISHING YOU. I had to say it over and over.

 And then he explained that God is the giver of life and He designed nature in a certain way to create babies, and to let nature happen in its time, in God's timing. God creates the life but we live in a sinful world where good things don't always happen on a whim. God wants to give good but we live in a fallen world where things don't work out the way we want when we want them to. But it's not God's fault and yet we immediately blame God. He just takes it. He can handle our crazy emotions and tidal wave of tears.

It took the blame off God, it took the weight off my shoulders, the stress off my mind and I felt myself breathe again. The pressure isn't on me to make it happen. I don't have to think I did something to be punished. I'm only trying to be completely transparent with you on my journey to say you're not alone. And yes I already have 2 beautiful boys and yes I've only been really trying for another baby for 3 months and the desire has been raging for 7 months, while some may have been trying for 7 years, but we can sit together as two women and understand the tidal wave of emotions when the longing is there. 

We don't have control. Only God is the giver of life.

In a world where Christians are being persecuted for their faith, put on trial, losing their jobs, I am sweetly reminded today in a dear friend's gesture to bring me a Lemon Cupcake that I MUST cling to my hope in Jesus. When I can't get pregnant, my faith can't blow in the wind, when I come up to a crossroad to obey God's Word or listen to man, my faith needs to stand solid. 

Unwavering. Unmoving. Firm.

 

  

Great is thy Faithfulness

Great is thy Faithfulness

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed thy. . hand. . .hath... PROVIDED

Great is thy Faithfulness.

Lord unto thee.

 I MUST stay in the sweet presence of Jesus and stay strong in my faith for my babies. They need to see there's nothing to fear when our hope is in Jesus. When Christians are being persecuted, we stand by them and we do not fear because we know God will get the victory in the end. 

When people are speaking against God, we must be the ones with unwavering faith.

Jesus spoke in sweet love and he didn't judge, he spoke in parables to help people see their wrong thinking. I was rocking little Zane to sleep tonight and thanking God for His mercy on me and His grace to see my irrational emotions. He knows my heart and He had the grace to switch my thinking from dark to light.

 My husband brought me these roses to remind me to stay sweet in faith.

Stay sweet in your faith, dear friend. THAT is the treasure worth clinging to.