Tattoo.

Tattoo:My Story

When I refer to my "blooming process," I am referring to a season of my life of about 6 years. 

My Senior year of high school I was Administrative Assistant to my youth pastor, half days of school and more than ready to head off to Olivet Nazarene University to study Nursing. My Freshman year was new and exciting. I had a hard time adjusting to the new routine of studying, but I had an awesome roommate Beka, lots of cool new friends, and dating occasionally. It was a good time. And I absolutely loved my floor of girls. I couldn't ask for a better first year college experience. Who says a good college experience has to include drinking and parties? I loved just staying up late and talking in the halls, football games, cafeteria mingling, all of it. Life was good, but it was just the beginning of some hard growing. I was getting attention from boys, nursing was exciting, Anatomy & Physiology was going to have the death of me, but I was happy pursuing what the Lord had in store for me.

I couldn't wait another second to get back on campus for Sophomore year 

but little did I know what this year held........

First week I met a boy. A man that I would fall in love with. A man I would share my first ever kiss with. He was going to be a youth pastor and the stars were flying. After 2 long weeks of spending every minute together, he said he wanted to marry me. I should have followed my heart in that moment but I didn't. I loved him. I loved the attention. It was too late. I was already attached. Attached too quick, too much. 

That year grew increasingly difficult with Nursing and with my boyfriend. I had this constant internal struggle. Do I really want to marry him? Do I really want to be a Nurse? I thought this was my dream. Aren't I living my dream? Then why am I so confused? God is not a God of confusion, so what's my deal? 

It came down to the wire. I HAD to pass a very crucial class in the Nursing program in order to move forward. I studied like crazy, posting notecards all over my floor, being made fun of by the girls, but fully supported. Well, I failed the test. I failed the class. Door closed. My life was hanging on the edge. My boyfriend was graduating and ready to propose but I wasn't. Again, I should've listened to my heart in that moment, but I didn't. My heart strings were attached in all kinds of ways. Another day, another kiss, another heart string tied to him.

I decided to leave ONU and pray for God's direction. My boyfriend followed me home and moved in with friends. We continued dating while I was all turned around, my lifelong dream died and I was in mourning, but he stuck by me. He still believed I was his future wife and I thought maybe he could be my future husband, I don't know I was so confused. 

I then went to Community College for about 2 years and got my Associates in Human Services. It was ok. I was serving in the youth group at the church, I was enjoying my time with my boyfriend, I was loving what I was learning. It was all just fine. It again grew increasingly harder, and relationships shouldn't be that hard. I loved him so dearly. And yet I was so torn. Ladies reading, it's so easy to let the waters go past your ankles, up to your waist, up to your chest, over your head if you don't listen to your heart. 

Living with internal turmoil on a daily basis is not a fun way to live. Eventually I was pushing him away every other day, he was sitting on our front porch crying for me to love him back and it was heart wrenching pain to continue. 

I was the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding, so miserable with my place of life, but couldn't put my finger on it, needless to say, it was an opportunity to get DRUNK. I made a fool of myself during the speech and the day after that wedding, my boyfriend called to break it off (over the phone!!). I didn't get the closure I needed even though I was the brat. I sobbed hot tears everyday for months, lost weight, starved myself and couldn't bare the pain. A breakup should NEVER effect a girl like that. Obviously I was NOT setting my sights on the right things and living for a boy. 

I left for South Africa for 3 months and God did a lot of healing in that time (read "My Beloved South Africa" for the story) 

I came back from Africa renewed, but more confused than ever. School was over, friends were scattered, no job in sight. What was I going to do? Accept fall for the first guy who paid attention to me to fill that UNFILLED VOID. It was summer. It was fresh and fun. And he was so charismatic and knew so many people. I never fell in love or even felt love, but we fell right into comfort. On weekends, we madeout, we had sleepovers, we got drunk together couple times, but during the week, we were fun friends. One good thing that came out of those 2 months was that he encouraged me and supported my new adventures. I made a decision to go finish my Bachelors degree at Trinity International University. That relationship or whatever it was didn't last long knowing I didn't feel anything more for him, until ANOTHER guy came along. 

Another new boyfriend. He swept me away in a day. There was no turning back. He was so good-looking, he was so warm to be around, he was a talented musician, AND he was going to Trinity in the Fall to be a youth pastor. I was in love immediately (meanwhile ignoring the void that I needed to tend to). We worked closely together in the youth group taking students out pretty regularly. And yet another chapter unfolds.....

We did our first road trip together after knowing each other 2 weeks, but how could I resist, my sister and her boyfriend were going too and it was only a weekend to the cabin. 

Our FIRST fight. 

I should've listened to my heart, but I didn't. 

The rest of that summer was haaaaa.... magical. I was madly in love. 

I thought I found that love that I didn't quite have with my first love. Something was always missing and I couldn't put my finger on it. 

We took another road trip end of the summer ALONE, but again I couldn't resist. We were going to the Superchick Wedding in Nashville, TN. Another day, another kiss, another heart string attached. 

Now we're in my last year of this season of my life. Going to Trinity with my boyfriend was amazing. I felt I was living life to the fullest. "Felt" being the key word. On the HIGH days we were embracing everything amazing life could offer. We took trips together, we went on a mission trip with TIU to India (see "Precious Girls of India" for the story). We went on a Spring break trip to Mexico and even dreamt of doing missions together. Footprints Mission Ministry was birthed on that trip, how could I not stick with this guy? Man was I confused.  And we took yet ANOTHER school trip for History credit all over Europe for a month(see "Europe" for the story). In pictures, we were the perfect happy couple. Holidays, Birthdays, big events, lots of friends and fun parties, there we were next to each other. And on the LOW days, we were screaming at each other in ways NO ONE should EVER have to endure. It was lethal to both of us, but we couldn't break it off, we were in love and we were going to stick by no matter what.

I don't blame him. He had his side of the baggage. I had mine. But I now see I was emotionally abused in that relationship. It left scars on my heart in ways that will always stick with me. I don't know about you, but I would rather have a love that sticks by side instead of SCARS. He would call me names a girl should NEVER be called. I looked at his turned back more often than his pretty eyes. I learned the sound of his leaving footsteps better than the sound of his tender voice. He LEFT me more than he promised to stay. 

That's NOT love. 

Love NEVER fails. Love is PATIENT. Love is KIND. Love doesn't give up and leave.

I learned what love was NOT in that relationship. 

We fought and kissed our way through one adventurous year.

End of Europe, end of school year, we broke up. June to June.

I again sobbed hot tears, but this time only for days. God took me on a quicker healing path. He would quietly whisper to me IN MY PAIN that He loved me and He didn't want me wasting more time setting my sights on the WRONG things. 

All my years of striving to be PURE as a WHITE LILY, my years of heartache and struggle, and God was holding me the closest He's ever held me. God was taking me back. His jealousy was taking over and He wanted my attention back. I was reading my Bible again and with new eyes. I was reading Song of Songs 2:2 Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. 

Beauty Among Thorns began to unfold...... 

I tattooed it on my body to ALWAYS remember how God NEVER left me. Where there was one footprint in the sand, that's when He was carrying me. He didn't turn His back on me or walk away. He didn't call me hurtful names. He never screamed at me or slammed doors in my face. He didn't give me bruises. God is a God of LOVE, who sticks By Your Side

 CLOSER than a brother.

I have recently been CONVICTED of TATTOOS and I have TWO. Both have Biblical meaning and value, but there is NOTHING in the Bible that honors tattoos. Society says it's acceptable so we think it's ok, but if we read the Bible, it's not ok. God can and does bring GOOD from our dumb decisions, but that doesn't mean we can go out and stamp up our bodies. We are the TEMPLE of God. 

Beautiful ladies.... accessorize yourselves to be beautiful to God, NOT to man.

1 Samuel 16:7 “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” 

Excerpt from article I read "When the Lord created the human body, He pronounced that the way He created it was very good.  The Lord desires that our bodies be a reflection of His own beauty. However, it is not necessary to use any worldly thing to attract sinners.  It is the Holy Spirit who draws people to Christ through any yielded vessel of the Lord.  When we pray and witness to others the Lord will cause them to listen.” Click Article link

We must remember that just as it is possible to be one of society’s most impressive people and be ugly in the eyes of God, it is also possible to be an unknown in society and to be radiantly beautiful in His eyes.

I don't know about you, but I would rather be RADIANTLY BEAUTIFUL to GOD.

My tattoos are here to stay :(